Children’s drawings can tell the psychologist about the internal experiences of the child. The child gives the paper their feelings, their thoughts, their experiences. Figure 9-year-old Andrew, who is called “My family”, says a lot. Immediately struck by the fact that in a family where three children in the picture all apart. Everyone does their job.
And most importantly — do not see a single person. My dad saucepans and mother lingers in social networks in front of the computer. Children, and those everyone is busy with his business. For example, Andrei himself is the oldest of three children pictured in front of a computer screen, by the way his face is not visible to the viewer, and the two playing on the floor kids turned away from each other, probably, also do not want to interact.
This is a child’s view on his family. In conversation, the boy tells about what mom and dad almost never talk and don’t embrace that they are always sad and angry, or fighting with each other. And they have little time to play with the kids.
I think parents are burdened not only with our actions but also their relationship, or rather their “no relationship”. They have a lot of grievances and complaints that absorb their life, consume a lot of energy. And, of course, this energy is not enough for children who suffer from lack of attention.
In this family children often quarrel, because the atmosphere is tense and nobody teaches them to interact, help each other, play together. And I sit apart, returning each of their “jobs”. Someone from work who is from kindergarten, and who are out of school.
Parents believe that living together for the kids. But is it worth it “for the sake of” the children grew up in the cold relations and constant anxiety about the future? And this can last for years. Parents do not clarify their relationship. All attempts to end or scandals, or ice and a long silence.
For some reason parents think that children do not understand. For example, that dad has another woman, or that mom’s not interested in her husband. Perhaps such details may remain beyond the children’s understanding, but children understand that their parents are not happy. They know that mom is often in tears, and dad isn’t home. To the question about it, mom first pale, and then tells all sorts of stories.
About the fact that dad went on a business trip or that he will spend the night at grandma’s, because a lot of work. Everyone pretends that it is. The guys all feel and, of course, suffer. And they suffer from the fact that parents have to lie, what a joy that was before their house, moved away, and mom and dad not to them. Note that only enough of the parents concerns lessons, putting money on dinners, clubs and the like.
Possible for some time to imagine the life of a little boy or girl. The feelings that they are experiencing. Instead of going on hikes in the Park, circus, fun competitions with dad or mom on bicycles or skates, boring evening gatherings at the TV, with parents muttering, “leave me alone, don’t you see I’m tired?” or “you’re great, he needs to play.” And such a life for the kids?
The child does not always understand, but always picks up, feels lies in the relationship. Often small children ascribe blame yourself, or think you can do something to affect it. Parents can reinforce this feeling is the baby. When mom yells in despair at his son, though all the words that she says and wants to say is addressed to the spouse.
Or when the Pope, in a rage burns with the words little daughter: “You’re as clumsy as your mother!” Children hear that they are not such as need and it’s not like their parents, which leads to quarrels and family drama. Parents do not explain that breaks down on them because they don’t want to discuss the most important issues with your partner.
Sometimes children can assume responsibility for the feelings and even the attitude of parents. Notice that if they behave a certain way of family quarrels cease, at least temporarily. For example, if they start to misbehave or do poorly in school. Then parents unite together and solve these problems.
Another child may notice the same changes in the behavior of parents as a result of his illness. Or the other extreme. The child is trying very hard to be good, obedient, not to cause trouble to his parents so they didn’t fight for him. And, then he is deprived of spontaneity, immediacy, which is a child entity. Turns into a little old man.
The child becomes the rescuer of the relationship of parents with their families. Teenagers in their own way doing it. They can throw in different extremes, and so peculiar to this age. To stop the quarrel between the parents, and to unite them in the fight for it. For example, against “bad company” — ready or emo, or against his drinking and drug abuse. Or maybe sick that parents are treated together. Son or daughter, not realizing sacrificed for the sake of “saving the family”.
I talked to older from such a childhood, about their childhood. Many of them did not understand why parents make sacrifices and their happiness for the sake of “saving the family”. Maybe it’s just an excuse not to risk and not to change something in their lives and in their relationships or fear of being alone?
But, you can also start with a simple conversation, to clarify what the family can and should change, how to do it, so all was warm and cozy in a shared house.
In recent times many people take the risk of seeking to family psychologists. Why run the risk? Because it is not accepted, it is not clear, not known. And their risk is justified, they again regain the lost understanding and love. But in this case if both partners are willing to change and it’s not too late.