Parents and children.
I’m 22 years old. I have a problem with my mom,she’s totally against my guy. It all started long ago, when she began to sit instead of me in the social. networks and to communicate with guys so looking for a suitable me what she thinks. Sent to meetings,to me these guys are by no means liked. And that’s just at the age of 21 I met a guy who now love. Mom asked him to read our correspondence with him, I refused, got angry. I went on a date with him, after which there was a scandal. In parallel I had to communicate with someone who she liked. This is a neighborhood guy, simple as she thinks but somehow rude, asking vulgar questions, I thought that he owes. Me as if cut to pieces, raped or morally,I don’t know how to describe it. I’m secretly Dating a guy for a long time. He wants to meet my mom knows the whole situation. But I can’t change anything. Mom set a condition, so I stopped with him at all to talk to, he’s not the one I need, impersonating another, she has a bad heart and every time refers that I want her dead and blame only me. Hooked a brother who is completely on her side. I can’t handle, don’t know what to do…I just really love, but I don’t give a…
The Doctor Senses Valery Egorov:
Cooking, You are still in Your 22 is not separated from the mother not only geographically, I suppose, but also psychologically. Not completed the process of so-called. psychological separation.
It all started long ago, when she began to sit instead of me in the social. networks and to communicate with guys so looking for a suitable me what she thinks.
Where’s Your dad, Cooking? Most likely, mom You were raised alone, without the participation of his own father, right?!
This process of separation and independence development of the child is called separation. Moreover, the separation occurs, not when the child receives a passport or first salary (according to some moms), and constantly – starting almost from the moment of birth.
This is one of the most paradoxical parental feelings, especially among single mothers: how is it that something that was a part of you, separates and becomes independent. Help!
And emotional energy, which in a stable prosperous society is absorbed in conjugal relations is transferred to relationships with children. This tradition, thanks to the developments and events in the territory as of the USSR and postscr preserved, and today the typical family is a coalition of mothers with children in the center of the family, and the husband on its periphery or excluded from the education of children.
The child learns to move, to do without a mother, to walk, to run, to play… to communicate with others, acquires his personal interests – all this separation, the ability to be separate in itself. It all greatly concerned parents who are not interested in the independence of their children.
Usually these parents are moms.
Moms do not want to see the evidence that their child is also a man with his desires, his feelings. His vision as his(her right). My choice of friends and loved ones…
Why do mothers need that gives them this close symbiosis with her child? The reasons are different in each case.
Alarming, symbiotic mother can get and the feeling of stability from such of their Union-merge, and a sense of isolation, and the opportunity to prove(to impose) care, because she’s always all by herself like a dray horse… and you, child, have to, have to… and it still gives the mother a sense of structure and predictability.
And when the child starts to Express themselves and their desires, makes choices, especially that threatens the fact that this symbiosis of “mother-child” will be interrupted, it is often like that of a mother and start a war for his usual. They feel threatened destruction of his stable world.
I can’t handle, don’t know what to do…I just really love, but I don’t give a…
Separation influences the choice of partner. A young girl, a woman under the strong influence of his mother and suffering from it, is likely to choose a young man who in her opinion, will be able to separate her from the mother and to protect against maternal influence.
Often this really the woman — not the choice of a loved one, the only, and the choice of who will be able to resist.
Yes, every Beautiful woman worthy of his Monster.
Usually it is the man who finds the mother of a common language, which is not accepted in the family of the girl. It also then be the reason of divorce. Often in such cases, a young woman returns to the parent family with a child. This, in a sense, solves her problems separation from the mother. She bribes from mother to child, and gets free.
In systemic family therapy this child is called the residual. He replaces his mother in the relationship with her grandmother, performs its functions, and in this sense does not live his life. As a mother moves away, eliminated Often… again and again “failed” is getting married.
Of course, ideally, when the process of separation (separation) occurs naturally: during the “crisis of three years”, during the “crisis of adolescence”. But unfortunately, in real life, we often encounter the opposite.
People who fail to complete the separation, have great difficulty in creating their own families and in growing children.
In a sense, they simply do not exist as such — people with I built borders, they are rather part of the whole – pieces undifferentiated ego mass multi generation family.
To successfully complete the separation process must be ready both parents and children.
The initiative always comes from the child and if the parent is too sensitive changes and doesn’t want to even try to accept them, there is a high risk of failure or complete rupture of relations.
Some to make it clear to his mother that “baby man”, takes years and decades. Some prefer to act at a distance – leaving the parental household and almost sever relationships. Some train iron will and sense of humor in relationships with parents. Some prefer not to solve problems with separation: and then to solve these problems will have on their children.
The criteria for the end of separation is emotional independence of children from their parents, when children begin to regulate their relations with relatives, live in harmony with them, without mutual resentment and tension, when the child separates himself from his family, but at the same time retains a connection with her.
Maintaining such balance, Mature relationship, rebuilding family structures are successful completion of the separation.
WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW?
Step # 1. Exercise on separation: “garden of stones”
On the beach, somewhere on the street, in a career, in the garden… Gather with a dozen other stones: pebbles, granite, iron ore pellets, maybe even Meteorit:))) the stones are not very large, so that each one could fit in the palm.
1.Lay them out in front of him. Select from this handful of 2 of stone:
1 is you, 2 is the parent (or child, if your separation with the child) What is common in these rocks? In what way are they different? As it speaks about your life? About you and your parents?
2. Lay these 2 stones in a certain relative space, relative to each other…
As the stones are now? What this means to you? How great it would feel to put them? What you mean?
3. Put the stones together in two hands…feel what is happening to you.
4. Then squeeze one stone in one fist, the other in another… And slowly spread your hands… Feel what is going on…
5. Keep these stones have a home in different places. And remember the first step on the way to their separation.
But I can’t change anything…
don’t know what to do…
Step # 2.
The search for answers and the right solutions, finding a happy consensus — is the format of a long, confidential communication field, on a contract relationship “Customer Specialist”, outside of the “free online”